Forbidden washing
by s.j. snodgrass
Summary: Intagra can no longer take the stench of Arucard's clothing, so she orders him to wash them. Arucard tries to object and tell why he shouldn't. But Integra isn't exactly the listening type.
1. Chapter 1

Okay. This just popped into my head, so I decided to write it. It is unbelievably random, and may cause rabid fangirl behavior. HELLSING IS NOT MINE!

Integra sat in her office, bent over desk, writing quietly. A few minutes later, a horribly fowl odor flooded the room. She groaned and put a hand over her nose. "Arucard, what do you want?" She asked her servant as he rose out of the floor in front of her desk.

"I just wanted to inform you that the mission you sent me on is complete." He said, a grin spreading over his face.

"Yes, I can see, and smell, that." She muttered behind her hand, gesturing to the fresh blood and bits of flesh hanging off of his already blood encrusted clothing. "You know, Arucard, before I could tell when you were coming and going from the differences in temperature and the way shadows changed abnormally. Now, however, that god awful smell leaking from your person alerts me to your presence each and every time. I think it might be best if you tried cleaning your clothes."

"I'm sorry that my odor offends you, Master, but it isn't a wise decision-" He was cut off as Integra started talking again. "No, Arucard, don't say another word. I order you to wash those filthy clothes. I mean, look at yourself. Or better yet, smell yourself. Its app- Is that a spleen?" She asked suddenly, pointing to a fleshy lump on Arucard's shoulder. He looked at it and plucked it off, inspecting it closely. "It most certainly is. I could've sworn I'd left all the big bits behind. Excellent eye, Master." He said, tossing it aside and against a wall, where it stuck nicely.

Integra cleared her throat. "That's it, Arucard. I draw the line when your clothes start bringing in body parts. Even Captain Bernadette has cleaner clothes, and he's French. Now you get downstairs to the washer and clean your clothes this instant."

"I see your point, Master, but I don't think that's such a good idea…"

"I said go, Arucard, now go."

"But Master, I should warn you-"

"Now, Servant."

"But Master…"

"That is an order, Arucard!"

With a sigh and not another word, Arucard exited via the floor. When he was gone, Integra removed her hand from her mouth.

A few minutes later, Integra heard a knock at her office door. Setting her paperwork to the side, she crossed the room and opened the door. Immediately closing it again. "Arucard! Get in here! There is a naked man outside my office door!" She shrieked. "I am already aware of that, Master." Arucard said, stepping through the door behind her and coming to stand a few feet in front of her. He was stark naked, not in the least bit embarrassed by his bare ivory body. "A-Aruca-c-card. Wha-what are you doing! Wh-Why are you n-naked! Put some clothes on now! Good God!" Integra stammered eyes wide, the color drained from her face.

"I did try to warn you Master. Those clothes you told me to wash are the only ones I own. So as not to walk around naked, I decided to come in here and ask to borrow a robe. I apologize for alarming you…Master…?" Arucard looked down at the floor. Integra was out cold, a small drop of blood hanging from one of her nostrils. "So, I suppose that's a no to the robe?"

Laughs shamelessly. God, I am a terrible, terrible person. Poor, poor Integra. I hoped this little thing was enjoyable, and I hope you will review. Oh, and I apologize to any French people who may have been offended by this fic.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay. Since people wanted me to write some sort of 'sequel' of naked Arucard-ness, I will. I hope I can make it enjoyable. If you read the first chapter, there is no need to read this chapter, unless you really want to. This was, after all, supposed to be a oneshot. For you AxS shippers, there will be a little bit of it in there to satisfy you. And for Yaoi fans, maybe a bit of WxA. We'll see.

One more thing. Since sooo many people complain to me about how I spell Arucard, I will start calling him Alucard. Since I'm just starting this new spelling, please be patient with me and forgiving if I slip. (HAPPY? YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED! Jk)

Alucard left Integra's office and began walking down the halls. Since he had not been able to get a robe from her, he was still completely naked, and could do absolutely nothing about it. He was actually enjoying the unaccustomed draft.

He decided that since it would take a while for his clothes to wash and dry, he would just spend his time walking around the mansion. He walked down the stairs and passed through the living room, which just happened to be occupied by Seras and Pip.

"Oh, hey Mast-" Seras stopped as she noticed Alucard's lack of clothing. Her face flushed scarlet and she promptly covered her eyes. "Master! What are you doing? Where are your clothes!" She screamed, peeking through her fingers. "I'm walking, Police girl. I thought that was obvious. As for my clothes, they are in the wash. Integra ordered me to wash them." He stated calmly.

"B-b-b-but….u-u-d-d-Mas-mas-ster.." Stammering so uncontrollably that she couldn't get another word out, she ran hastily from the room.

Pip was a little less unnerved. "I admit, I never thought I'd see you naked." He chuckled.

Alucard folded his arms across his chest. "I don't see what everyone is so upset about. Is nudity really that horrible?" He wondered aloud.

"A little bit, yes. So…the boss actually ordered you to walk around naked?" Pip asked. "I didn't think she was into that sort of thing."

"She isn't. She didn't order me to walk around naked. I just…am…" Alucard replied, not wanting to explain yet again that he had no more clothing. "But why aren't you indulging in the idiotic behavior of fainting or running away from me?"

"That's simple. I'm a guy. I see what a naked man looks like every time I take a shower. Our anatomy is nothing new to me. Besides, I'm perfectly comfortable with my sexuality to be near a naked man without freakin' out." Pip explained.

Alucard stared at him for a while, disturbed deeply by the Frenchman. Then he seemed to remember something, and leaned towards Pip, grabbing his shirt in his hand. "Damn, your clothes are cleaner than mine." He muttered before leaving the room.

After that little detour he sauntered into the kitchen. Walter was standing over the stove. This struck Alucard with an idea. "Walter?" He said, tapping the butler on the shoulder.

"What is it Alucard?" He asked, not turning around.

"Is there any way I could persuade you to lend me some clothes?" Alucard asked.

"Why in blazes would you need to borrow my-GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Walter had turned around and was gaping at Alucard, his monocle falling from his eye.

"Do I have to explain this again?" Alucard sighed. "N-no. Just…I'll…" Walter gasped, quickly pressing a hand to his nose and running from the room, leaving a trail of blood in his wake.

Alucard sighed again and walked back out of the kitchen.

**LATER………**

Pip, Walter, Seras, and a recently recovered Integra all huddled in her office.

With shaking fingers, Integra lit a cigar, taking a long drag before speaking. "So, we are all here due to a certain incident roaming the mansion."

"If you call Alucard running around naked an 'incident', then yes." Pip quipped. "I'll have to agree with Captain Bernadette, My lady." Walter said in a nasally voice due to two rolls of toilet paper stuck I his nostrils. "I haven't seen that much of Alucard in a long time."

Everyone stared at Walter wide-eyed. "Well, it WAS a long time ago. You see…um we…I'll stop now." Walter looked down at the floor, eyes still on him. Seras's eye had a slight twitch.

Integra cleared her throat loudly, directing everyone's attention back on her. "As you have all gathered, this can not continue. We already had to give Walter here a transfusion since he lost so much blood. And no, Captain, we will not be commenting on this blood loss." She said, eyeing Pip, who had opened his mouth to comment. "We have got to find a way to stop this problem before it gets worse. Agreed?"

Everyone raised their hands in agreement. Even Walter. Albeit a bit grudgingly.

'Alright, then. It's settled. Our mission is to clothe Alucard." Integra stated.

**SOME TIME LATER…..**

"Alright. Do we have everything?" Integra asked as everyone began regrouping from searching for necessary items for their "mission".

"Yes, Sir." Seras said. They had a rope, gag, and full suit. (Courtesy of Walter) "Good. Now remember, we can not fail. The success of this mission hangs on our abilities to stay calm. Let's go." Integra shouted. They all gave a holler of agreement and set out.

They immediately found Alucard on his way to the basement. Staying hidden, they followed him down the stairs and to a door. As Alucard reached for the doorknob, they attacked him. They brought him to the ground. (Well, almost all of them. Walter's nose began spurting blood, and he was unable to continue.)

"Give up, Master, we've got you!" Seras shouted, holding tightly to one of his legs. "Yes, there is no escape now!" Pip said, holding his other leg. "Quick, Seras! Put some pants on him!" Integra commanded. She herself was sprawled across Alucard's chest, her arms around his neck.

Seras got off of her master and bravely prepared to obey. Then she took in all of Alucard's appearance. "Uh..I- Sir Integra!" She stammered, her face burning. "No Seras! Don't give up on us now! You have to be strong!" Integra said. "Uh…" Seras was shaking. "Yeah, Seras! You can do it!" Pip shouted. Shaking uncontrollably, Seras began to pull herself together. But just as she was about to recover, Alucard said, "Yes, Police Girl, you can do it." And Seras collapsed in a dead faint.

"Damnit! Integra cursed. "Captain, you'll have to do it!" Integra said. "Yes Sir!" He got up and wrenched the pants from Seras's limp hands. Then he raised them above his head. "Come on, Captain. Do it!"

Sweating from concentration, Pip began to lower the pants. Just then, a small rat ran out from a corner of the room.

Pip shrieked in terror, threw the pants down, and ran from the room screaming like a banshee.

Integra smacked herself in the head repeatedly. "We were so close!" She growled in frustration.

"Um, Master?"

Integra looked down. Alucard was looking up at her, a strange expression on his face. "While I can't say I mind this current position we find ourselves in, and I would be perfectly fine staying like this." He began. Integra felt her face getting hot.

"But Master, would you please let me up? My clothes seem to be finished."

"….Master…?"

There. Done. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Please review.


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